[	Current Location	|	my bed.	]
[	mood	|	mellow	]

 People come and go in your life all the time. People who you think are one of your closest friends, turn out to be your biggest problem. People who you think you can trust the most and rely on turn out to be the biggest liars and backstabbers of all. But you just got to let it go and move on and hope that one day they will see their mistakes and change for the better (if possible). Sometimes you will miss them. But when you think about it, is it really THEM you miss, or is it just the memories of who they used to be that you miss?

Why can't everything be so simple the way it was when you were four years old or when your eighty seven years old? You look at Cutter's four year old twin cousins, who get so excited and happy to see me after 6 months. All they need to make them happy is their mom when they are tired and want someone to sleep on. They got their whole lifes ahead of them & when you look at them, it makes you wonder what they will be like in high school and so on.

& then there is the 87 year old grandpa in the nursing home. All he needs is someone to come visit him once in awhile and it makes his whole week brighter. When you look at him, and wonder how his life was in high school and his younger years, and then you just see how happy he gets when he sees your face, like nothing else in the world matters. He doesn't mind he in a nursing home, or in a wheel chair. As long as he gets to see the people he loves, he is just fine.

It makes you realize that it doesn't matter what happens between the age of 4 and 87. It doesn't matter what kind of car you drive, what career you have, how big of a house you live in, what materialistic things you own. All that matters is the people that are in your life who make those years worthwhile. You just got to figure out who is going to be there for you throughout all of those years, and who isn't? Who do you want to be there in all those memories when you are 90 and thinking about the old time?

None of the little things will matter. So don't stress out so much. None of the drama or crap that happens in your teenage/early years will matter when you are 87 in a nursing home. The parties, the alcohol, the drugs, who stole whos boyfriend, what girls treat group you go in, how many boys/girls you date; none of that is going to matter. It just all comes down to the people you have that sincerely care; not the materalistic things. Stuff that seems like a big deal now won't be down the road.

I need to learn to just take things one day at a time and not get so stressed out. Besides school being so stressful, everything is going great. Things at home are going good, not fighting with mom or andrew/matthew. I realize that those stupid little fights over who gets to sit up front, who gets the last soda, aren't going to matter. I've got everything I've ever asked for and more. The best boyfriend a girl could ask for. A good steady job, one that I am finally happy with. I just need to get the school area figured out.

Happy Birthday Cutter. =]
I LOVE YOU. <3


www.myspace.com/ursweetrevenge1
go wish him a happy birthday =]

[	Current Location	|	my couch lol	]
[	mood	|	content	]
[	music	|	none at all.	]

you know it will always just be me =] 



He`s smiling, because he loves me. =]
Be a doll, & deal with it. 


Why don`t you just drop dead.
I don`t blame you for being you.
But you can`t blame me for hating it.



Don`t apologize.
I hope you choke && die.
Search your shelve for something which to hang yourself.



[just b/c we arent "LJ friends" and you "dont look at my journal"
doesnt mean you dont know how to type in a URL dipshit.]

cry me a river.
get over it.

you'd never have what we have in a million years. EVER.
you want to talk about being immature?
look in the mirror hun, its been over for so long.
accept that & get on with your life.

you'd be doing everyone & yourself a favor. =]
no words that you say, or write..
will ever bring him back to you.

since day 1, i knew we would be together forever.
& that is the way it is going to stay.
so keep it to yourself & back off.
thank you =]

[	mood	|	contemplative	]
[	music	|	none.	]

Whoa. I was just reading all of my old LJ entries & its crazy how much things have changed.
This is gonna be a long one.Lol.So many people have come in and out of my life this past year.
& honestly, after all of these changes [going out with cutter- going to delta charter- etc.etc.]
i can count on one hand, the number of people who have stood behind me & are still by my side.
But on the other hand, I can count a ton of people who have had some effect on me this year.
Good or bad. They both have really changed me & made me a stronger person.
Sometimes I miss old friends, or how things used to be. But everything happens for a reason.
& i wouldnt trade the relationship I have now for the whole world. Im going to marry this boy.
Its a promise. Hes my other half- my best friend- my everything- my shoulder to cry on.
hes EVERYTHING & more to me. This has been the best 11 months of my life.

So this entry-you will find pictures of people who have been good friends to me.
Who have effected & changed me in different ways. & who will always have a place in my heart.
Whether we are still friends or not, if we talk now & then or if we dont like each other.
You will still have your picture here. : ) So look it over & if you would leave a comment.
So i know that you saw it & everything that would be great.

Im putting everything behind me. EVERYTHING. If we havent gotten along for awhile.
Or if we just havent talked/lost touch. Lets start over right now. Anything in the past-
is the past.Dont let it ruin the future. So leave a comment & we can catch up on stuff.
Or leave me a comment and tell me how much you hate me.haha. anything, jus so i knw u saw it.

( <3 these awesome people.. )

[	mood	|	happy	]
[	music	|	sHeS iN LoVe WiTh tHe bOy::TriShA YeArWoOd	]

man o man. waht a weekend it has been. whoaaaaa....thursday chenaie came over after skewl and we dyed my hair. and cutter came over for a little while too..it was nice i havent gotten to hang out with her outside of skewl since october. tahts sooo long man o man.. and then friday cutter picked me up from school and we came to my house and he cleaned my room for me. then later we went to the mall with chenaie and greg. haha he got me a little monkey ring in fun factory! lol then we came back to my house and had a fight with empty bottles of sierra mist. hahah then rode around on the bike and i was on the handle bars and the idiot decides to  be his dorky self and say 'shittt bloodddd' and we almost got shot. o jeeze. then saturday me and christine went to cutters and watched their band practice. then after we brought her home then he came over. and we watched a few movies and stuff. hehe. then sunday we went to the snow. left at 8, got back at 5. o man o man. that was great. fell asleep on the way home laying on cutter and made his arm fall asleep. hahahah.. it was such a good weekend though. man o man... got to spend it all with mr cutter! <33

( FoR thE ReSt oF mY LifE iLL coNsiDer mYSeLf bLeSsEd. .. .  )

[	mood	|	mellow	]
[	music	|	me typing.. .. . .	]

I feel like i got so much to say but dont know how to say any of it. Its all there in my mind but i just cant seem to find the words. So much has changed since freshman year. Ive met so many new people, got so close to a few people. Lost a few people who i was close with. Just everything is different. 2005. New Year. Gonna live for now, not in the past.

Last year at this time i was heartbroken over a situation that happened during christmas break. I remember the day after new years, crying in the middle of barnes and noble and chenaie being there for me, as my best friend. Now that is all different. The situation got solved and fixed, but now things with me and chenaie fell apart. i guess people change though. We both did though. It takes two people. We talked about it like last month, thought we would end up alughing over it and by now we would be back to normal and laughing about it like we do everytime. but this time its different, and im starting to see its not going to go back to how it was. it is just to different now. we both have different people in our lifes that we are focused on. i need to learn to let go though and accept that fact. We can hardley keep a converstaion going now..i miss it. 

The same thing happened with Kels though. I thought we would be friends forever, but that changed so fast. When we went to different schools. & im scared cause you all know now that Christine is going back to West High. Her last day at Tracy is January 13th. And everytime a friend goes to a new skewl or moves or anything like that, we always say we will keep in touch, but then it slowly fades..and i dont want that to happen with the 2 of us because she is seriously one of the one people that keep me going. I feel like i have known her all my life, when really its only been lyk 7 months. it is her decision though, and i am behind her on it 100% of the way because i know she would do the same with me.

I want to home school. Ever since 7th grade, my mom would always bug me, WANTING to home skewl me and i would always call her crazy and say no way. But now that i actually want to home school, she wont let me. Maybe she will cahnge her mind though. Theres nothing left for me at Tracy High. Any high school is just drama. I got bad grades, even when i do try. (D, C, A, C, B-, D) and i hate the drama. its everywhere. Ive been doing good, not having any drama for the longest time now. But.......

And a whole new chapter of drama just started tonight...rrrrrr..not much of you know. But, Me & Cutter are going out now. Since Monday. Im so happy with him. He makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. When he is around everything else just disappears and i just lay there in his arms and it feels like not a thing can hurt me. I have NEVER felt that feeling before, and i hope it doesnt go away. im not used to having the one i like, like me back. its nice. the late night fone calls for 5 hours. & he will just stop by to say hi when hes in town, he even acts like my brothers best friend. I love it. 

But of course, in everything that goes on there is a downside to it. Mandie hates me now for it. I told her today and she reacted way different then i thought she would. I thought she would be okay with it because she has a new boyfriend now and said she was over the whole situation. but shes not. and as of right now, we aren't friends anymore because she cant trust me. that was her decision though. i wish we were still friends cause i love her but i cant help how i feel about cutter. that was how me and mandie met in the first place anyways, was because of cutter. So i dont know what is going to happen now with me and mandie. but everything happens for a reason.....

Anyways...on a different subject. This weekend should be fun. Friday Me & Cutter are going to see white noise im pretty sure. ah that will be scary. Saturday Me & Christine are probably going to pleasonton to go shopping and take pictures. And Sunday who knows what i will do. But im going to try and go to sleep now. I'll probably just lay awake all night though. Hmm...I love you guys. <333

[	mood	|	tired	]
[	music	|	SiNcE yOuVe BeEn GoNe::KeLLy cLaRkSoN	]

( iLL bE JuSt FiNe PrEtEnDiNg iM nOt..iM FaR FrOm LoNeLy & ItS aLL thAt iVe GoT... )

[	mood	|	happy	]
[	music	|	I cAuGhT FiRe:::ThE UsEd	]

I _____ Kristin.
Kristin is _____.
Kristin thinks a lot about _____.
When i think of Kristin, I think of _____.
I want Kristin to _____.
If I were alone in a room with Kristin, I would _____.
I think Kristin should _____.
_____ reminds me of Kristin.
Kristin needs _____.
Without Kristin I _____.
I want to _____ Kristin.
If I could describe Kristin in a word: _____.
Kristin will never _____.
Worst thing about Kristin is _____.
Best thing about Kristin is _____.
I hope Kristin never _____.
I am _____ with Kristin.
I _____ Kristin because _____.

-----do that please. : )

AH the concert was great. omg!!!!! ahhhhhh. i dont even know where to start. uhm..at lyk 1 cutter & danny got to my house and we left & went to pick up casey. we got there and the freakin security guards kicked us off the property cuz they sed we coudlnt be on the property till 4:30. ugh. so me & casey walked to get food then by the time we got back we only had to wait lyk 20 minutes. all of a sudden casey goes "THERE LETTING PEOPLE ON!! EVERYONES RUNNING!!" we all thought he was kidding. haah till we look and everyones running. haha so i rannnnnnnn & got us a place in line while the guys hid cutters backpack cuz they wouldnt let him take it in. so we stood in that line for another 2 hours. and they tried to scare me with horror stories of what happens on the floor. since yeah my first "real" concert. haha. never been on the floor. i dindt htink it could be that bad though. then ppl started heck of pushing & stuff in line. ah and i thought that was bad. psh then we got inside. and yeah i got a tbs shirt! : ) uhmmm then it started. & OMG ive never been so scared in my life. haha i thought i was going to die! i grabbed onto cutter & wouldnt let go. haha. i couldnt even stand up on my own!! omg and he was laughing at me! grrrr. haha i only lasted 3 songs through my chemical romance. then i had to get off the floor. cutter sed it looked lyk i was going to cry. haha but i wasnt. so we went and sat in the chairs & met up with sassy and mike. shes crazy. haha. then so we sat in the chairs thru the donnas & tbs! & seen kayla and natalia!! ahhhhh i took soo many pictures of tbs and none of em turned out!!!!!! i was pist. then the used went on and sassy dragged me back on the floor. but in the back this time so i could actually move. lol then stupid me. got stuck in the middle of a moshput & didnt know it till i had hugeeee guys coming at me. haha and i oculdnt get out. whoa that was almost as scary as the floor in the beginning. o yeah & we met up with derek!!! then after the used played everyone started leaving. so me & cutter went outside to find his backpack. then just hung out outside for lyk an hour. couldnt find danny & casey anywhere. so finally at lyk 12 they call and meet up with us. so we leave & stop at the gas station cuz allll the food places were closed. so yeah then took casey & cutter home. i didnt get home till 2. fell asleep the second i walked in the door & didnt wake up the next day till 2:30. haha yeah but it was soooo much fun. omg i loved it. it was great!

my birthday is in a week from today. DeCeMbEr 19th! i dont know what i want to do though. i probably wont do anything to big. this weekend has been the boringest weekend EVER. i did absolutely NOTHING! stayed home alllll weekend. thats okay. cuz break is coming so soon. just one more week of skewl then we get lyk 2 weeks off! yesss! i know that will be fun!!!! <333

[	mood	|	hopeful	]
[	music	|	SpiTaLfiELd:::MaKe mY HeArT aTTaCk	]

Friday- Went to the show with Chenaie. Got exiles demo. I liked them alot. My beautiful ending was reallly good too. It was just kinda weird without Cutter. Like he was supposed to be right next to Brandon!! They still did good tho. Went home after the show then Chenaie came over 2 hours later. We talked and watched Saved and Raising Helen. Cute movies.

Saturday-Got up and went to the Lammersville Harvest Festival. Got stuck running a booth. Yuck not fun. Watched Marks mom in the dunk tank. LoL that was sooo funny. Then talked to her for awhile after she got out. Saw Megan, she told me theres races sunday and i could go with them if i want. Saturday night went and saw Shark Tale with Nicole. OMG I LOVED THAT MOVIE!! sooo cute!!! omg! anyone wants to go see it, ill go with you!! : ) came home and talked on the fone till lyk 12. Megan called and sed they were leaving to go to carnegie at 8 in the morning an i didnt think i would be able to go. :-/

Sunday-Woke up. Changed my mind about carnegie. Called Megan. She said she didnt go to the races cuz it would be boring and her mom already left. So i sed my mom could pick her up and we oculd go if she wanted to so yeah. Went and got her. Mom dropped us off at Carnegie. FUN STUFF!!!! Mark did really good. Won the first race. Almost won the 2nd one but some stupid old fagget decided to ram into him and take him out cuz he was winning! Stupid fagget! oooooooo i was pisttt...lol and mark went over there an yelled at him and it almost turned into a fight and yeah im not gunna explain the whole story. Psh freakin 40 year old jus pist cuz he keeps getting beat by a 15 year old on a 125! But its all good cuz he still got 3rd place overall in the whole series...and he was nice to me. : ) i wasnt expecting that, it surprised me! Theres races on my birthday! (DECEMBER 19TH) at carnegie!!! They give out the champion of the year trophie! im so going!! lol. . hmm then later we left and i got home at lyk 5 then went to nicoles house and took her little sister trick or treating. haha we got alot of candy.

I didnt feel like going to skewl today. Just wanted to sleep all day. lol. and i had alot of time to think about things. i dunno if thats good or not. lol but okay. . after the races sunday and going to chevys last week, i dunno. i just dont think im as over him as i thought i was. actually i dont know if i am at all. i think it was more the fact of not talking to him and avoiding him , it was easy to tell myself i hate him and crap but then after seeing him and  him being nice to me, (which i wasnt expecting at all) it made me realize i DONT hate him at all, not even a little bit and i actually DO miss him. and miss being friends with him alot. And i wish that things were still the way they were before but they arent. People change and nothing stays the same. . .  :-/ its just that hes been such a HUGE part of my life for SO long and it isnt very easy to just let go. I know i dont mean anything to him but i still cant help the way i feel. And im gonna try and talk to him, as hard as it will be, if i dont try then i will just be left wondering. . what if this what if that. . . .but if i try then i know i did my best and at least made an effort. . . .

[	mood	|	calm	]
[	music	|	BuLiMiC:::ThE UsEd	]

hmmmm well my weekend was fun. friday we got out of skewl at 12:30. came home for awhile then mandie came and picked me up at lyk 2. hahah that was fun. we went and got some gas and then albertsons and bought dog-nuts. went back to her house and watched valley girl and i didnt get to finish watching it cuz my mom picked me up and so i rented it later haha. we had a good talk tho bout some things. : ) i love that girl. AND IF YOU DONT LYK HER BEING FRIENDS WITH ME THEN TO BAD!!!! THATS YOUR PROBLEM! ((thats not for anyone that will read this. . .sum1 else. . .who prolly wont read this)) so yeah then my mom came and picked me up. . .we ran into the mall so she could get something and i went and visited with becky and her new job. . then went home for a lil while then went back out to pick up christine and laura an go back to the mall. then there was a little wee bit of drama. but we fixed it all. we ended up not seeing the grudge lyk planned. no where to sit and to many screaming freshman. so we sat in barnes and nobles with shelby and lucas and then nicole met us there. after it closed we hung out outside. and a huge spider almost ate me! lolol ah! then nicoles brother came an picked us up and nicole spent the night at my house. we watched the rest of valley girl and talked. ended up falling asleep kinda early. then saturday we brought her home at lyk 1 then i came home and got ready to go to monicas house. wow that was a night to remember!!!!! there was soo many people there and i think me and mandie were the only ones who didnt drink or get high! literally. i wouldnt let her drink. hahah. she took care of all the drunk kids. aw so sweet. then later on i couldnt find her and she was up stairs crying! i felt so bad. so me and christine went an found her and we sat in monicas parents room and talked about it for a while. aww i hated seeing her cry. i felt so bad. *Mandie. . . i love you so much and i am ALWAYS here for you no matter what. i may not be able to help you like he can but i can try and just be here for you to vent!! smile! : )* so yeah then ppl started leaving and we all started cleaning up. ew that was so disgusting! yuckkkk! then at lyk 1 me christine and laura walked all the way to lauras house and we stayed the night there. didnt go to bed till lyk 3:30 then my mom came and picked me up at lyk 12 this morning and now im here. i wanna go shopping today. but i prolly wont.

( ThiS oNeS fOr yOu. . . )